why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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