ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
