What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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