Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
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just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
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I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize