How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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