It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
