dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
