I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
