thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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