I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
...so i touched it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We got so high we made milksteak
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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