i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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