I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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