my phone needs a breathalizer
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
