She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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