at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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