we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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