she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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