So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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