I met the friendliest cop last night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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