In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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