shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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