oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
