Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
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Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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