I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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