i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
