How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
