So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My feet surprised me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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