College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
