how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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