I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
