Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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