I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
