I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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