ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
