I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I have post one night stand depression
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
