you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
