you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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