I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
