You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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