Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
