You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
