My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
