walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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