no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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