if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
