The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i drank out of a bidet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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