I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
