Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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