The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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