Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
