Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
