Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I stole a fireplace last night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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