conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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