Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
