cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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