I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
