i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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