you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
