alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I had to cum in my sink.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
