i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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